O Little Town of Bethlehem #TBT

So today I’ve got a request.  Someone heard a story second hand and they want the scoop from the Ice Cream man himself.

I would like to re-iterate that these #TBT are my truths they’re how I remember them in my head, that said “Hold onto your ships, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride”  This one is the most outrageous to date.  This is the one I reflect back on and think “Wow that happened”  This is the one that if I ever put it into script form will revive the 80 Teen RomCom in the vein of  A Sure Thing and License to Drive.

So this girl and I started seeing each other, it was a summer thing, she fancied herself a future suicide girl, I fancied myself… Doing something other than what I was doing, I’m sure.  We’d gone out, we’d fooled around, but we’d never committed to calling it anything.  Often in relationships it’s not addressed until asked neither of us ever asked, and nobody asked either of us.  She was also bi, and who was I to stop her from exploring that side?

So it’s a hot summer and at midnight I’d just gotten off of work (I don’t recall now where, but it was late and I do remember being tired as hell) I was almost home when my phone rang. 

“Can you pick me up?”

“Ugh, from where” I replied a little annoyed.

“Well you know that girl I’ve been chatting with online?”

 I actually had no idea of any specific person but for the sake of speed.  “Yeah”

“Well she came to Ohio to hang out”  (Ok this could get interesting) “ So we were supposed to go to Columbus to go shopping but she ended taking me back to her place.”   (So far nothing seemed off, and as a man I couldn’t help but think “If I play my cards right” (because sex is euchre)) “Can you come pick me up?”

“Yeah I sure where is it?”

“It’s in Bethlehem Pennsylvania”

(I was in Logan Ohio,  I’ll wait while you head on over to google maps.  Yeah that’s a drive) 

“What? Where? Why?”

“Well she kinda took me” (that folks if true is kidnapping) She said.  “ I don’t have any way of getting home can you pick me up?”

I checked my fuel gauge I was at half a tank and I had about sixty dollars on me.   “I don’t have enough gas to get there and back”

“She said she’ll give you some money to get back on” I agreed.

Like a moron, I agreed.  If you know me I pride myself on being a dick, an asshole, there are reasons.  I was gullible, gullible, kind and generous.  IT NEVER PAYS OFF.  So I began my Trek in the dead of night after a long shift (from wherever the hell I was working).  I’m not sure how many of you have been to PA but it’s flat, it was dark, and there was absolutely nothing to do alone on this 450 mile trip.  This is the closest to crazy I ever got, I had conversations with three different personalities that I created. 

I arrived in O Ye little town of Bethlehem somewhere in the 7AM hour.  I then spent a half an hour trying to figure out how to get into the Apartment building.  It was the kind with the buzzers to enter so I couldn’t just go in and pound on the door I had to get buzzed in.  Well it was 7AM and they had apparently fancied going to sleep.  I drove all over creation in a night but they got to go to bed…  It only took 20 minutes of constant buzzing to wake them up and get them to let me in.

Story over that was a crazy night right?

If only it had ended there it’d be so simple.  I get into the apartment occupied by three lesbians.  One that was trying very hard to convince me she was a guy (I’m not sure why but it was clear she was changing her voice just because of me the others even looked at her funny ( I say others because I do not recall their names(I wish I could))) An Asian American, who was apparently the one that knew, and kidnapped the girl I was…  The third however is to date the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen in person.  She was supermodel hot, she should be in magazines (she may) or be on television.  I cannot express how gorgeous this women was.

Most visually similar person I could find.

So I’d been driving all night and fortunately I didn’t have to work that day.  The girls wanted to tell me all about their adventure (none of which I recall) we did this while watching a tape of the Drag show they’d all gone to the night before.  Apparently one of them was a bartender and they taped and sold drag shows at the bar.  It was uncomfortable.  Finally one of them caught me trying to sleep and offered to let me lay on her futon.

I will never lay on the futon in an apartment occupied by ¾ lesbians again.  EVER.  Cue 80’s music.

I woke up, handcuffed to the futon one set of cuffs going around the bars cuffing both hands together as so to keep me from being able to use either hand.  On the other side of the room ( I can still to this day describe the room perfectly it was on the fourth floor.  The floor was those wood slates but old and brown there were two dressers in the room but catty corner from each other not on the same wall.  The walls were all white and it had two windows) were three of the four girls in the apartment.  The girl I knew was completely naked, the Asian was topless, and the not so attractive one was clothed but participating.  Yes I said participating.  They were going at it while I was on the futon left to watch, helpless.

You may be thinking wow this sounds like a good time.  Perhaps it would have been, if I’d ever been uncuffed, allowed the use of my limbs anything but know I watched for a half hour as they went for each other.  Fifteen minutes after it was over was when I was uncuffed.  I was not allowed out of their sight (they actually forbid me from using the bathroom).  Only one thing was said while being uncuffed. 

She said, “I’ll make it up to you”

We were off time to go get the cash back to Ohio.  Wherever the supermodel had been she had returned for the trip to the ATM (which seemed a really long distance from the apartment).  After stopping at the bank the Supermodel had found out about my torment ( I’m not sure why) this apparently angered her very much.  She and the meh girl were apparently dating, and boy was she pissed about her joining the other two in that little romp.

She turned to me.

“Do you wanna fuck?  I think you’ve earned it you’re pretty cute and they’re all being bitches”

I looked around the car, the question posed kind of came out of nowhere I knew she was upset but I wasn’t expecting it to escalate as quickly as it did.  I looked at the girl I’d just driven 450 miles to pick up.  Her face told me she would not approve. 

How do you answer that question?   (because the answer was yes, I mean in my mind the scenario that played out…)  This girl was an eleven, a twelve, off the charts hot.

“Um thanks, but we’ve got to get going”

How do you answer that?

We headed for home in silence after receiving 60 dollars, which was upsetting as I’d had half a tank of gas when I left Ohio and spent 60 on my own getting to this crazy town (of which I will never return).  I knew I’d screwed up.  I hesitated (also I’m guessing my mouth was open the entire time of the hesitation, which was probably a full minute) She was a bit upset.

About ¾ of the way back through PA the girl I was with gets a phone call from her sister.

This story has now got to be interrupted for some back story.

Her sister for the past 2 weeks had been in New York City (which is only 130 miles from Bethlehem).  She had gone to hang out with my girls ex-boyfriend, it was assumed she was trying to get with the guy (I believe she was trying to get into the military through him also (he was a soldier of some sort))

Back to our regularly scheduled story.

So we’d been driving all this time 300 miles or so with very minimal talking, we were just starting to open up and get talking again.  The phone rings.  It’s her sister they talk.  Her sister then puts the ex on.  I’m sitting patiently, politely, silently.  She begins to cry.

“What the hell did that asshole say now”

She shouts “Yes”.

The conversation lasts for another grueling ten minutes before she hangs up the phone.  She informs me that he’s being deployed soon and that he wants to get married before he leaves.

Shit.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

No I had no real intentions of ever marrying this girl and no we weren’t in any kind of serious relationship.  But 450 miles one way alone to pick her up in the dead of night and then we had to go back to Ohio.  And she becomes a fiancé to another man along the way!  What?  How does this happen.  Like seriously,  it’s like in one of those shows where the character finds out he’s on TV.  We drove the remainder of the way to Ohio I was pretty silent at that point giving her the cold shoulder, I had nothing to talk about.  I mean essentially we were dating, I had driven all that way, I didn’t expect anything but it felt like a great betrayal.  Then at some point near the Ohio PA border.  I had just turned down sex with the hottest woman I’d ever seen (and still the hottest woman I’ve ever seen (it’s not an expression I’ve never seen a more physically attractive woman)) Only to have this happen on the way back.  If I’d had money I’d have turned the car around, if I’d been a dick (or at the very least not so damn nice) I’d kicked her out of the car.

But instead.

I drove her home, my tank on E by the time I got home.  I spoke to her only once since.  I used most of the verbage in the following video (I may have added some colorful phrases)

It hits it's stride at the 3:30 mark.

I never spoke to her after that.  I’m unaware if she is alive or dead, if they were married, are married or got divorced.

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